It’s a New Year, and what would it be without those pesky “New Year’s Resolutions” or #goals2026, right?
Now I know some of you may be all for goal-setting at the beginning of the year, whilst others, maybe not so much. But irrespective of whether you are one for setting goals at the beginning of each year or not, what does matter is the setting of goals in and of itself.
You see, science repeatedly shows that people who have goals, regardless of how lofty or grand they may be, are much happier in life. In fact, today’s research part of the newsletter discusses exactly this.
But I digress… back to my original thought.
At the end of the day, goals give you a sense of direction, control, and purpose. However, I find that at the root of why people fail in achieving their goals is the drive or motivation behind the goal.
You see, every January, I find there is this collective energy shift. Where once the holiday glow wears off, it is replaced by a sudden, urgent desire for self-improvement. We scroll through social media feeds crowded with announcements of marathon training, getting into the best shape of your life, joining that 5 a.m. club, starting that meditation ritual, sobriety pledges, slow mornings, or a career pivot. We look at these online “shares” or posts and feel a bit of FOMO creeping in. So we convince ourselves that we should be doing the same thing.
So, off we go. We set the goals, buy the necessary equipment, enroll for that overpriced online course, buy the journal, hire the coach, and feel a surge of optimistic momentum. But by the time February shows its face, the gym routine has dwindled, you stopped joining the online group sessions, and the journal became a nice little reminder of your yet-again failed goals.
Why does this happen so predictably every single year?
You may want to instinctively ascribe it to a lack of discipline, ineffective systems, or just you just not having “stuck with it” for long enough. But few realise there is often a deeper, largely unconscious psychological force at play, namely Mimetic Desire.
Understanding this concept is crucial if you want to actually achieve the goals that you set.
The Unconscious Drive Behind Our Wants
Mimetic desire is a concept developed by philosopher René Girard, which suggests that human desire is not linear. For example, I want that new car because of its impeccable engineering (Subject Desired Object).
We don’t just look at an object (a career, a fitness level, a lifestyle) and decide we want it based on its intrinsic value. Instead, our desires are triangular. We actually desire things because we see others, people we admire, envy, or spend time with, desiring them first. Girard refers to these “others” as “models”.
So, at the beginning of each New Year period, we are particularly prone to being bombarded with models. Social media acts as a massive accelerator for wanting what others have. When everyone you follow seems suddenly obsessed with optimising their morning routine, you don’t stop to ask yourself if you actually enjoy waking up early. Instead, you blindly absorb the desire to be that kind of person who is “successful” at getting up early. You don’t actually get to define your own version of success.
Sadly, when we live in autopilot mode (which is so easy these days!), we are not aware of these external social influences, which means that we end up mistaking social pressure for personal alignment.
Cost of Borrowed Ambition
The danger of ignoring mimetic desire when you set goals for yourself is that you end up chasing things you don’t genuinely want. And in doing so, you position your life-ladder against the wrong wall.
When your goals are purely mimetic, you aren’t chasing the actual objective (i.e., lifestyle, career, fitness level) you are chasing the idea or perception of being the person who already has it. You think, “If I had their career/discipline/lifestyle/body, I would feel as confident/happy/fulfilled as they are.”
Now, you may not realise it, but mimetic desire is actually a key underpinning factor in procrastination. We often view procrastination as a moral failing… you know, pure laziness, or a lack of discipline or willpower, when, in fact, procrastination is often a clever psychological warning system.
When you set a goal that is fundamentally misaligned with your own deepest values, your subconscious knows it’s a fraud. You might not, but your psyche definitely does! It recognises when what you want, does not line up with who you are.
Viewed as such, procrastination is then just a symptom caused by misaligned pursuits. It is your authentic self dragging its heels, refusing to participate in a charade. You cannot force yourself to care deeply about something you actually don’t. And no, trying to convince yourself it DOES actually matter won’t work. Your subconscious will always find a valid reason for your conscious mind to delay working on something that doesn’t resonate with your core self.
Get Back To What You Value
If you find yourself stuck, paralysed by overthinking and an inability to move yourself towards your goal(s), pause. Stop. Don’t just immediately attribute this to your own lack of courage, discipline, poor habits, or failed productivity “system”.
Yes, there are certain situations in which your procrastination may actually be a symptom of the fear of failure, fear of being judged, or the fear of uncertainty. But when you feel you have tried everything, and you realise you are not actually afraid of failing… but still find yourself stuck. Then maybe re-evaluate if you actually want the thing you are pursuing.
If you feel you are procrastinating on your goals, or you want to set goals that stretch beyond January 2026, then it is important that you filter out mimetic desires. Some questions you can ask yourself:
- If nobody else would ever know I achieved this goal, would I still want it?
- Does this goal get me closer to the person I want to be, or the person I think I should be?
- Do I actually want the thing itself, or do I just want to be looked at the way I look at the person who currently has it?
- If I were forced to stop pursuing this goal today, and guaranteed that no one would judge me for quitting, would I feel grief or relief?
- Does this goal require me to change who I am to fit a role, or does it demand that I become more of who I already am?
An authentic, modest goal that aligns with your true values will always be more sustainable (and fulfilling!)than a grandiose ambition borrowed from someone else
Remember, by not ensuring the personal-fit of your goals, it will likely lead to two nasty outcomes:
- Hollow victory. You achieve your goal, but then feel nothing. You lost the weight, got the job, or bought the car, but the internal restlessness and void remain. The goal was never about your values, it was about copying someone else’s.
- Burnout and resentment. Let me tell you… If there is one thing I have learnt from being a psychotherapist, it is that there is nothing more psychologically draining than living a life that is not true to you!
Maintaining the energy to “will yourself” through things that are not really aligned with what you truly want is utterly exhausting. It requires a constant stream of forced discipline and energy because there is no natural (“easy flowing”) fuel source. And over time, you end up resenting the goal very goal you set. You start to get irritated, frustrated, and feel like life will only be able to resume once you get beyond this goal. You become like a little angry bird.
In a nutshell, setting goals is great, but just make sure they are, in fact, your own. And when procrastination shows up, hold back on berating yourself for a lack of discipline, consider that you may not be stalling on your goals because you are weak, but maybe because the goal was never yours to begin with.
We live in an age of contagious desire, where it is dangerously easy to mistake the image of someone else’s success for your own calling. Real ambition is quiet. So find the goal that survives the silence.
