Self-Abandonment: Why We Get Lost

“What we call the personality is often a jumble of genuine traits and adopted coping styles that do not reflect our true self at all but the loss of it.” 
― Gabor Maté

In my previous article, I explored how our psychological symptoms — like depression, anxiety, addiction, and relational struggles — might not just be signs of some underlying biological dysfunction but rather, a deeper, existential dilemma. These symptoms often act as warning signals, alerting us that we have strayed from our true selves. It is like your psyche is waving a red flag, saying, “Hey, you’ve lost your way!”. When you abandon who you are, there is only so much self-abandonment that your psyche can tolerate before it will jolt you into taking action. Often the purpose of depression in such cases is to force you to sit on the couch and provide you with little or no psychological or physical energy so that you can actually sit and reevaluate what you are busy doing. To realise that you are barking up the wrong proverbial tree! Unless, of course, you are a lost tree feller, in which case, you should maybe reconsider trees entirely. In today’s article, I want to delve deeper into why we get lost in the first place… 

Understanding why we veer off course is crucial. We are cultural beings, shaped by the values, beliefs, and norms we inherit from our caregivers. But even as kids, we have our own unique personalities, gifts, and an inherent sense of self. By age two, children are already aware of their individuality, their “otherness.” The environment a child grows up in can either nurture this sense of self or stifle it. If your true self was mocked, shamed, or rejected, the seeds of self-abandonment were sown early. As children, we crave acceptance, love, and security — we need someone to feed us and keep us warm. So, living authentically is not an option when survival is at stake. Instead, we start to replace who we are with what others expect us to be. We do what we should do, not what we yearn to do. And yes, I said “yearn.” This is not about wanting something trivial, like endless chocolate or a permanent vacation. It is about that deep, inner pull toward something that makes you feel alive, energised, and expansive — something society’s expectations could never truly satisfy.

From a young age, we are conditioned to believe that if something is not working, we just need to try harder. So when we’re in a state of confusion or suffering, we think the solution is to push ourselves even more — tighten our grip, cultivate more willpower, and exercise greater self-discipline. This, we assume, will pull us back to a life of happiness and contentment. I see this pattern all the time: people who are unhappy double down, striving to eat better, look better, work better, regulate their emotions better, connect with others better — just be better in every possible way. It is like a car stuck in the mud; instead of stepping out of the car to assess the situation, they floor the gas pedal, hoping sheer force will propel them forward! But the main issue is not that they are working harder, it is that they are working harder on the WRONG things!

We tend to measure our worth and happiness against others. Success is defined by how we stack up against someone else in some socially-approved way. In other words, success means being above or superior tosomeone else in some socially defined way. We think we will be happy if we have what others have and if we are perceived to be superior to others. Think about it: Victorian women used to break their ribs to have tiny waists, and today, people still go to extremes — whether it’s sacrificing health for a sliver of body fat or living for social media likes at the expense of real-life relationships. But no amount of external success will ever fill the existential void of self-abandonment.

If you do not know where you are headed, any road will get you there. Worse, you will be living a life of someone else’s design, not your own. It is easy to get pulled off course because society’s desires are loud, flashy, and emotionally charged, while your inner yearnings whisper to you with the quiet promises of peace, harmony, and contentment. Picture the last advertisement that caught your eye — a shiny new phone, a sleek car, those perfect shoes. Now, imagine owning it. How does that feel? Then think about something your soul is yearning for — maybe it is a deep connection, a family, solitude, or meaningful work. What emotions come up now? Notice how the things that truly matter are not nearly as exciting as the material fluff-stuff society pushes on us. 

I do, however, believe a certain degree of self-abandonment is normal and even necessary as we grow up. Shame, for instance, serves a purpose, it teaches us empathy, altruism, and emotional regulation. We need to feel shame and guilt when we have wronged or hurt others — we need to learn that looking out for each other is how we move forward. But this does NOT mean children should be alienated from their true essence. Unfortunately, most are, because caregivers often impose societal expectations on their children. But let us not dive into that Pandora’s box today.

The crux of the matter is this: if we do not take time to pause and reflect on our lives, we will keep drifting further from our true selves. Our psyche will eventually force us to wake up, but by then, we might be knee-deep in addictive behaviours or dependent on psychopharmacological drugs just to cope. If we fail to realign with our true selves, we will spend our lives chasing achievements, rewards, and successes that leave us feeling empty. The harsh truth is, if you chase societal goals, you might get what you want, but you will never get what you truly yearn for. But if you work towards fulfilling your deepest yearnings, you will find that society’s wants do not even matter anymore. You will feel complete. You will feel fulfilled.

A final thought: Your true self is waiting to be discovered, nurtured, and honoured. Do not let society’s clamour drown out the quiet voice of your inner yearnings. Listen, reflect, and recalibrate your life to align with your deepest desires. Because in the end, it is not about living up to someone else’s expectations — it really is about living a life that is true to who you are. And when you do that, fulfilment is not just a possibility, it is inevitable.

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